The last 72 hours have been an emotional whirlwind. I have managed to end a relationship and start one in the matter of 48 hours. Granted, I have no idea what will happen with the new one, as, thus far, only a handful of e-mails have been exchanged, but I think I have made pretty quick work of being dumped.
The saddest, yet most refreshing part of the whole thing is that I wasn't upset over losing The Architect. In fact, I was far more emotional over the thought of having failed at yet another relationship, and being alone again at Valentine's Day. I am sure you want to tell me how I haven't failed, I simply haven't found the right person. But from my perspective, it feels like failure. The inability to grasp the true nature of a person over and over again. You look around and see people everywhere that make you wonder (Walmart is a particularly good location for this study), how was SHE able to find love? Yet I am left standing in the dust of their procreation. Or how did HE manage to nab her? And why can't I do that? What am I missing? Because in my scientifically driven mind, it must be something I am doing or not doing that is preventing me from finding the right person. Something I can fix. Because, I have always been able to FIX things. Yet, this, I can't seem to find the right wrench for. It's like I keep tweaking the test subject only to have it give out at a different point than before with every change.
But perhaps the humility with which this new relationship has been kicked off will send it sailing into the realms of my dreams. Because at the end of the day, all I can really do is believe that I WILL meet my best friend. Because to me, that is what I am looking for. I am looking for someone to tackle life with. To root for, who will root for me in return. To bum around the Home Depot with. To try that new indo-mexi-african restaurant with, or travel to Hong Kong to try the street noodles.
If I could get those things from a female friend, I don't think I would care nearly so much about this, but the reality is, all friends eventually find someone, and your partner in crime can no longer devote their attention to your friendship like they once did. That is what drives this frustration. It is also what keeps me looking.
Labels: crazy talk