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Apr 12, 2005

Views from a Singleton
As I sit at home alone--well not alone but if I acknowledge my feline roommates, I will be labeled a Cat Lady, and I am tired of that label--so as I sit home alone, I think I am bored. I think I am lonely. I think I am far too single. But it is funny how I can still be content like this. I can sit here quietly. I can dance around my livingroom. I can run my stairs. I can cook and leave the pot on the stove. I can leave my laundry in the dryer for days. It doesn't matter because I am not reporting to anyone. I can laugh out loud at my cats, I can curl up with them in the middle of the floor. There is no one to care. There is no one to think it's silly. That's nice. That me being me. I am a little messy. I am a little nutty. I love my cats. And when no one is around, even my shy little Brody loves me.

I am thoroughly torn on being single. I love it and hate it with a passion. I love the freedom. I hate that there is no one to share it with. I love the silliness and recklessness, I hate the hangovers. I love the excitement of someone new, I hate telling all my stories all over again. I wonder and worry whether I will always be alone. But then I think that could be ok.

I listen to my friends tell me I am a great catch that some guy will dearly appreciate. A girl who can cook and sew, play poker and darts, fix a computer, shotgun a beer, has a master's degree, bought a house on her own, and loves her friends with all her heart.

But silently to myself, I see a girl who is self-destructive in relationships. A girl who is a little pudgy around the middle despite her size 4 frame. A girl with too much attitude. Too many opinions. Breasts that are too small. A brain that never lets her stop talking. A girl who has to consciously try to listen to others. A girl too close to her family--too afraid of disappointing them. Too controlled by them.

I never know from one day to the next whether I will see the amazing person I can be or the strange, dorky one lurking just below the surface.

This is the life I lead. A jumble of goods and bads that keeps my self-esteem in check. Keeps my weight in check. Keeps my relationships in check. It's a life I think a lot of us lead. Torn between who we show to the world and who we only show to our own walls. I have no inspiring thoughts on this. I have no words of wisdom or any solutions. But it does seem to me that if we showed the world a little more of what our walls see, we might all feel a little better about ourselves. A little closer to those around us. A little happier.
posted by Ty @ 4/12/2005
4 Comments:
At 4:49 PM, April 13, 2005, Blogger Dylan said...

I'm right there with you, Ty.

I am constantly balancing the weights of just how much I love being on my own, single, with no one to answer to, and missing the idea of having someone to share the great ideas that I come up with in the middle of the night with, or be sitting around and decide to have an improptu night on the town.

And I think that and the confidence vs. self-critical thing go hand in hand. I'm a smart guy, with lots of trival knowledge of pop culture... I've got a steady job... and a Jeep for crying out loud... chicks love jeeps, right? But I'm opinionated and not ashamed to share them, and I sometimes think I'm more hassle than I'm worth.

I guess this is just what being a 20-something single is all about, but it sure seems like a unique struggle.

 
At 7:05 PM, April 13, 2005, Blogger Aubrie said...

Beautifully written, Ty, and certainly something all of us have experienced. I think that there are pros and cons to each side though.

I live with my man, and sometimes, I wish I had more independence and alone time to be more comfortable with myself. I'm not good at alone, too many things to think about when there is no one there to immediately quiet your fears.

I think it says something remarkable about you that you can be comfortable in your singleness and see yourself in an honest way. That's something a lot of people aren't very good at.

 
At 7:17 PM, April 13, 2005, Blogger Ty said...

Thanks Dylan, thanks Aubrie. It's always nice to know you aren't alone. I've been wanting to put into words the duality of the single life for a while now. I am glad it resonated with you.

 
At 7:12 AM, April 14, 2005, Blogger Stacy said...

You sound like me...eight years ago. :)

Well, except for the size 4 part...LOL.

 

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